The Weekly Burn

JUST IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS, A NEW SUPER-TEAM
by Mick Martin
Weekly Burn Correspondent

VATICAN—A month-long standoff between The Vatican and the super hero community ended yesterday with an unexpected twist.

The controversy began Thanksgiving Day when The Vatican released a press statement denouncing super heroes across the globe for what it called “a deplorable lack of Catholic representation in the ranks of super-powered heroes.”

The statement went on to say, “Super hero organizations are thick with individuals promoting Paganism. Thor, Hercules, Gilgamesh, Valkyrie, Orion, Wonder Woman…all either claiming to hail directly from the pantheons of their respective mythos, or simply borrowing the archetype, names, and appearance. While The Vatican would never seek to stop any such individuals from practicing their beliefs, it is still disturbing that so few heroes have chosen to emulate Christianity.”

Most super hero teams refused to comment on the statement, infuriating The Vatican even more. The Vatican’s statements ceased however, after a very unlikely candidate stepped forward.

Malcolm McClaren, self-proclaimed brainchild of punk rock, the Sex Pistols, the word "poop", Iceland, light switches, and the printing press, told Weekly Burn reporters that he planned to “fill the void.”

McClaren went on to say that he had assembled a team of heroes representing exactly what the Vatican asked for. “Their appearances, powers, and names are all derived directly from Christian belief.”

McClaren said the team has not chosen a name yet, though he did reveal the members so far include Hellboy, Spawn, Etrigan The Demon, and The Son of Satan (with John Byrne as a reserve member).


ATLANTIS UNITES!
by Mick Martin
Weekly Burn Correspondent

NEW YORK—Decades of aquatic confusion ended today with the announcement that Aquaman, ruler of the Kingdom of Atlantis, and Namor, ruler of the Kingdom of Atlantis, have forged a long-awaited alliance.

What both monarchs called the “Atlantis Redundant Accord,” stipulates that both Namor and Aquaman are rightful rulers of the Kingdom of Atlantis. The two Kings will design a schedule that will hopefully ensure that neither monarch will ever run into the other. According to Aquaman, the “best part of the deal” is that the two will finally have separate bedrooms.

The monarchs have kept the political, economic, and military agreements included in the accord a secret, which has left the Snork ambassador to the UN “deeply concerned.”


NEWS IN BRIEF

Geoff Johns behind bars: Comic book writer Geoff Johns was arrested in New York City yesterday morning under the charge of "Using two first names without a permit." Johns' colleague Peter David told reporters, "He was asking for it."

New college course cancelled: Earlier this month, streetwise and ultraviolent heroes The Punisher and Rorschach told reporters they were joining forces, but not to fight crime. The two enigmatic vigilantes claimed they would be teaching the new "Directed Journal Writing" course at SUNY Albany. SUNY's English Chair announced today that the course has been cancelled after numerous student complaints. SUNY Administrators went on to list examples of the vigilantes' eratic behavior, including The Punisher's contention that "Anne Frank was a pussy," and Rorschach's repeated disappearances from the class, only to be found later kicking dogs from the Arts building roof.

Hero disappears: NYPD Commissioner reported today that sightings of the undead vigilante The Crow are at an all-time low. Some authorities suspect the arrest of pop star Michael Jackson may be related.

Hulk and Thor fight: Victor unclear.

Weekly Burn 12/11/03